Friday, December 29, 2006
Walking
Israel is the only other place I have lived where people will invite strangers off of the street to share a meal with them. I have heard that it happens in Europe as well, but my experience with Europe is fairly limited. It was a very nice interaction, and it started my weekend out on a pleasant note.
All aflurry
ephemera.JPG
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
The last couple of days have felt frenetic to me. It seems like there is not enough time to do all of the things that I want to do and the things that I need to do. On my own time, the want things win out over the need things almost all of the time. Which means that there has been very littel studying.
Some things that I have been playing with in this last week of the year:
del.icio.us
digg.com
Note the new sidebar items. I'm still learning about both of these, so for the time being they seem to have a fair bit of overlap (but then again, so do all the sites I linked to in my last post, so perhaps there's just a degree of overlap in my life right now).
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Links for 12/28/2006
Pandora
Music Mobs
Last FM
The above three links are very similar, but are different in important ways. Explore... they are all fun. I would also mention
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
..--..-.--
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Art shmart
Denver82.JPG
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
Truly, what good is an art show if you're not going to take someone down in the process?
These are the things that I do, rather than study for the GRE, a weekend and one weeknight condensed into succinct bullet points:
1. Clean my room. As in moving the bed and mopping.
2. Freak out about how I am going to pay for graduate school.
3. Watch 13 episods of Prison Break courtesy of itunes (for the record, it really sucks that you can't watch Fox, NBC or CBS shows on their website if you use a Mac. Long live ABC!!), because thinking about grad school makes me panic and we all know that television is the opiate of the masses.
4. Design a tee shirt for the Threadless Decemberists <3 Threadless contest.
5. Realize that though my drawing skills have improved dramatically over the last year, my photoshop skills have not.
6. Wonder why my printer has decided to freak out.
7. Attempt to reinstall said printer (in the hopes that I can simply scan my fabulous tee shirt design into Photoshop and submit it)
8. Give up and watch 24
9. Look at the clock and realize it's 10:30 and I have done no studying. Contemplate taking out the Kaplan book.
10. Fish the cat toys out from under the dresser and throw them for the cats.
11. Blog about how little studying I did tonight.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Things that made me smile today
Denver113.JPG
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
Christmas may not be my holiday, but I thought I would put together a list of some of my new favorite things:
Foodler Definitely check it out if you're in the DC area.
Chuck Palahniuk wants you to write
Learning to Love you More you should never get bored.
I saw Blood Diamond today, and it was intense and hit me very hard. All I wanted to do was sob, and unfortuantely I was not with someone I felt comfortable sobbing in front of. And of course, by the time I got home the moment had passed.
When I worked at the counseling agency last year I worked with a number of people who are Catholic. A couple of them, who are married to one another, told me that on Good Friday they would watch a movie about conflict, something that helped them to think about the complexity of the world and its issues.
I am not new to the idea of conflict free diamonds. A number of my friends have gotten engaged or married in the last eighteen months, and each time I have asked them what they know about their diamonds. Because I am curious. What do my crunchy, hippie, Quaker friends do out in the world? How many of them stick to their ideals, and how many of them fall by the wayside?
I don't have a lot of room to talk, I have a Verizon phone, I hold major credit cards, I have a Macintosh computer. I've done enough research to know that I am not without guilt, so I throw no stones. But the thoughts are always sitting in my mind, they watch me.
What does your Christmas look like?
xmas1.JPG
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
I slept until twelve pm, contemplated getting up and making coffee and realized I didn't need it.
Despite nothing quite happening the way I expected it to over the last couple of days, I have had a really nice, relaxing long weekend. Today I am off in search of Chinese food and a movie, in the tradition of most American Jewry.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Denver29.JPG
Denver29.JPG
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
There's a bunch of stuff I've been meaning to write about recently, and as always, as soon as I open my computer to work on it, all of my thoughts fly out of my head. Ain't that the way.
I was in Denver this last weekend for my friend Laurel's art opening (pictured above, at said event). It was phenomenal, as I knew it would be nothing less. Going to Denver gives me a sense of meloncholy, I fall back with the old people so easily, and it feels so right. Denver is comfortable and easy.
Oooh! One of the missing ideas has come back to me.
I look back on this past summer as one of the very best times I can remember. I don't doubt that it was amazing in it's own right, but it also came out of one of the thoroughly dark moments of my life. I remember this summer from my bicycle, late at night. I was out in the world, I was reconnecting with old friends, and making new friends. I approached everything with a sense of open-ness that I rarely experience, and I know that was because I knew that if I screwed something up I was leaving soon anyway. It's a weird way to live life.
When I came back to DC it was like waking up from a dream. It was cold, and surreal.
I have begun to question things I have taken for truth for the last three years, about who I am and what I need to do with my life, as well as where I need to go with my life.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Darling won't you please come home.
DSC03511.JPG
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
I dream of a studio or an efficiency with a lofted bed and lots of light. No more north facing windows for me, I miss my rainbows. I've been feeling a little lost lately. Everyone in my life is involved in fairly serious relationships. And we're all getting to an age where that actually means something. And here I am... alone, and mostly happy about that. Except for those certain moments. It's not that I want to date someone, its that I want to already be there. I want the comfort of having been married to someone for five years, knowing that I'll continue to wake up next to that person every day for the rest of my life, and feeling really happy and secure in that knowledge.
Whe I lived alone at least I didn't have to check with anyone before inviting a friend to stay for two weeks. But the loneliness occassionaly ate my soul a little bit. I guess everything has it's own special tradeoff.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Sea of doubts
DSC_0133.JPG
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
What does it feel like, to really trust someone?
Suicide is a line in my life. A number of people I have known have crossed the line, one person has tried, and one person I know about has seriously considered it.
I have come just short, in this journal, of explaining how truly upsetting an experience high school was for me. During high school I became quite familiar with that line, and where it lay in my life. I took comfort in considering walking slowly across that line, but I never thought very hard about how to do it. It was more like an escape plan. Nice to know it was there, but not something I wanted to think about for long. But now... having been out of high school longer than I was in it... I wonder if I'm remembering clearly. Certainly I am not.
That, as interesting as it is, is not actually what I wanted to talk about. One of my best friends attempted suicide a couple of years ago. This was not just a friend, this was someone with whom I'd had a physical relationship, someone I was only just beginning to realize I loved, and someone I knew was intensely troubled.
What I am wrestling with right now is the idea of the fear of death. I am desperately afriad that the people I love will leave my life before I have a chance to tell them the important things. And that is incredibly selfish.
In the weeks before my friend tried to kill himself I knew something was wrong. People who had known him longer and better than I have asked me if it wasn't possible that I was over-reacting. When I described his catharsis, his complete lack of emotion, response, his complete lack of life, I think that for just one moment they understood just enough to know that in that moment, those of us who were there had not over-reacted.
But these are difficult thoughts. It is hard to keep them in my head. Almost as soon as my friend was out of direct danger I began to rationalize on his behalf. "He wasn't serious... it was a cry for help". This is something that we say to make ourselves feel better. Because it is incredibly upsetting to realize that somoene you love might be in such an intense amount of pain that you can't comprehend, or fix, and that you are not enough to make the person believe in the goodness of being alive.
These are all incredibly selfish ideas. I recognize that.
I have a friend who died almost exactly four years ago. She died in a car accident. I regret that I did not know her as well as I wanted to. It's not the kind of thing that I look back on and think "I wish I had known her better". I wished I had known her better when I was in a room with her. She was one of the people I couldn't believe would want to be my friend... she was so much more awesome than I. And I never got a chance to get to know her later, when I had a better sense of self worth. The point is that I knew then how amazing she was, and when I found out she had died I felt as though something had been stolen from me. I no longer had an opportunity to know her better.
When I get depressed now... I sometimes feel that I will have to go through the rest of my life having loss be as nearly constant as it was in those crucial years.
It feels hard for me to trust people that they will be in my life, that they won't suddenly disappear one day. I am not so secretly a control freak, and death frightens me.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
are you one of the beautiful people?
I am a reader of blogs. Not many, just the ones published by my friends (Look! There on the side! It's a bird, it's a plane... It's a blogroll!) and a couple of select others. Kevin Smith and Dooce most regularly. Because they are well written, tend towards hilarity, and don't make me feel a. stupid or b.like i've just wasted five minutes of my lifetime. I was struck today when I saw that Heather, over at Dooce, has begun to offer tee shirts. Now, as a compulsive reader of Questionable Content, Dinosaur Comics and Red Meat, I am no stranger to the lure of tee shirts affiliated with the internet. I certainly don't begrudge dooce the selling of tee shirts. Really this is just a reflection on my amazement at the internet. People will buy the shirts, even though they don't have any nifty pictures or phrases, becase dooce has created a community of readership. The internet is a very strange place.
Would you buy a shirt that says Franken, or Jonathan Safran Foer? Yeah. I'd probably buy one that says Jonathan Safran Foer. But I'd probably be more apt to buy a shirt that says "Dear Stephen Hawking, Can I be your protege?" which is a direct reference to the book, but is a little less obvious. And it allows passersby to be part of your in joke.
Which inevitably brings me to a discussion of people's desire to be part of exclusive groups. Or at least Americans' (and by that I mean people who are in the United States) desire for that. If I wear a shirt that says "dooce" on it, there is still a degree of exclusivity, since people who don't know what dooce is will say "what does your shirt mean", and people who do know what dooce is will just know. And in twenty years when I have kids who think my "vintage" clothing is alternately hideous and wonderful they will say "so you mean dooce was a website? what did it do? you mean you just read it? that's pretty funny"
I'm holding out for VR baby.
Monday, December 04, 2006
When faced with a challenge...
Technorati Tags: challenge
Sunday, December 03, 2006
I love you so much
DSC03515.JPG
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
What does it mean, to understand the love I want to have, to have known what it feels like, and to know that the person with whom I feel it is not the person I can be with?
When I'm with him we hold hands. He makes me feel less crazy for being in love with the little things in life. He makes it okay that I want to throw bouncy balls off tall buildings, race matchbox cars in the metro, and lie around all day watching cartoons from my childhood. When I'm with him I don't need to understand him, and he knows that he doesn't need to have the answers for my questions. It's enough that we are each other, with each other.
When I'm not with him don't think about who he's with. I don't wait for him to call me, but I allow myself to be thrilled and surprised when he does.
I'm learning a lot about what is important in my life, and I have learned a lot about love from one person, and some more about it from many other people. I don't know what love looks like. I know that I need a love that is peaceful, that is understanding and thoughtful and full of grace.
The best love never tries to hurt the people they love, but takes responsibility for it when they do, and trusts the people that they love to know that they are not perfect. Together we create a space where it is alright to be human, to make mistakes.
The best love is not afraid to express when they are upset, knowing that feeling a certain way is alright, but that acting out of that feeling may not be. We are able to express our feelings without using them to manipulate one another.
The best love shines a light in the dark corners, challenges the people they love to be the very best people they are capable of being. We support one another in good times and in hard times.
Love is not limited by number, by gender, by physical appearence or ability. If I tell you that I love you, no matter who you are in my life, these are the things I am telling you.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Strong Women Create Strong Nations
Yes, my job causes me stress and sometimes makes me fantasize about running away and working as a food service person on an Amtrak train, but events like tonight, seeing the way people come together to support our work, hearing the words of celebrities, board members and lay people speak about the phenomenal work that I am a part of, gives me resiliance and is a powerful reminder of why I have chosen to pursue the life that I have.
Tonight Zainab, the CEO of Women for Women International, remarked that she does not know if we live in an age of war, but that it is war that seems to dominate our lives, our politics and discussions and sometimes even our families. She said that in such times it would be easy to get depressed, to give up and lose hope, but then she thinks about the women she has met in her work, women who have been violated and brutalized and who continue to g et up every morning, who have hope for the next day, and the one after that.
I have never viewed pride as a particular valuable or good emotion, but tonight, sitting in the room and hearing the words, I was proud of myself for being a part of something that is doing so much good. I am proud of myself for following my dreams, for knowing what I want and for figuring out how to achieve it. I am happy to know that I am capable of making these things happen in my life, and it gives me faith that I can achieve some of the good that I want to in the world.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
The Way We Get By
Friends, I tell you you have not lived until you have spent an hour on the living room couch with a 6'7 German man named Oliver, watching the Gilmore Girls and discussing heavy metal versus industrial, and how Metallica carried us through high school. I guess some experiences really do transcend time and space... though I didn't think they would really involve Metallica.
In other news, I will be spending about 35 hours in New York at the end of this week. If anyone wants New York presents, you should let me know before Thursday morning because I don't know what my internet access will be like. I will not tell you what a New York present is... and I can't honestly promise you that it won't be something that I find on the street. But if you are interested... comment/ message me.
Work has been crazy, hence the dearth of posting... I regret to say that I have fallen off of the NaBloPoMo project, but I am still trying to write more than I was before, and hopefully it shall continue.
Dodger has been particularly whiney. This had been going on for a couple of weeks following some unfortunate bladder evacuations on his part (a problem mostly solved by us having a stern discussion of the consequences of continued bed peeing upon, and also me locking him in a small room with a litter box and some toys and a blanket at the suggestion of my vet, so that he could relearn how to use the box). Anyway, after the peeing came the noise making, which let up for a couple weeks, but seems to have returned. The common internet knowledge seems to be to ignore the cat when he is whining, and reward him when he stops. My question to the internet is this. My cat walks around the house meowing at the top of his lungs. He could want for me to feed him, or pet him, or play with him, or he could want me to ignore him and tell him irately to learn how to use his words, cause ma's had a long day at work and needs language with her vocalizations. Now, any of the three former ones are fine, but if he wants the fourth one... I mean, how do I know that I'm not inadvertently rewarding his bad behavior?
Someone will tell me when I've gone fully round the bend, right?
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Probably don't read O magazine about the women your organization helps in Africa while on the metro. Crying on the train is so cliche.
Anyone out there who's curious about what I do, why I put up with the days that make me post stuff like I did last night, and the night before that, check out O magazine for the month of December (currently on the stands). Page 283. These are not stories that are easy to read, but this is why I do it. Knowing that in my own abstract way I am doing something to help these women.
I am faced with the question, how can this be the world I live in? Do men rape women when civil society degrades to a level that there is no reason for them not to? Would the men I know act in the same way if our society collapsed completely? Is this what anarchism really means? If it's not the collapse of the rule of law that allows such atrociety, what are other possible explanations? Is this the normal state of the cultures in which these women live, or is this caused by the illness that began three hundred years ago with European "exploration"?
I'm tired, and I don't know if I make sense right now. I would like to believe that there aren't cultures whose default position is to endorse violence (towards women or anyone else) but my knowledge of the Old Testament belies that belief.
I need to think on this more.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Started making plans to kill my own kind
As is my wont, when I get stressed out I create small, or sometimes large projects for myself. The current project that is percolating is one in which I see all of the monuments and museums in DC in one weekend. This is a baby idea right now, and i have two days in which to nurture it. How many hours will it take? Is my goal of only walking a reasonable one? How many miles will it be by the end? Should I go to museums that are closed, or am I exempt from those? Does the library of congress count as either a museum or a monument?
Does anyone want to join me?
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Look for me when the sunbright swallow sings upon the birch bough high
Awesome.
Monday, November 13, 2006
It gets you down, there 's no spark, no light in the dark
There are a million things I want to write about, but in the harsh reality of the fact that, in fact, no one is interested in what I ate for lunch, I don't really know what to say about any of it.
How do we know which are the right decisions to make? How do I know if I am living my life well, if I am a help to my friends, a comfort to them in their time of need? How do I know how to be the person I should be?
I was recently faced with a person who said he would not be able to date someone who is religious. I didn't push him on what he meant by religious. Does he mean that he couldn't date someone who believes in god, who isn't an atheist, or that he couldn't date someone who takes the bible as the only truth... he used ambiguous language. Of course that wasn't the only problem, between us anyway.
I'm not an atheist, I never have been. I'm not agnostic... I think that a lot of modern religion is a crutch that people use in order to feel less alone in an entirely frightening world, and religion as a crutch is a lot healthier for the body than drugs as a crutch, or self mutilation, or any number of other things that people use in order to travel through a world that is generally fairly terrifying.
But I'm not religious. Sometimes I wish I could be. Someday maybe I will. But I was always be a questioner. I am not the kind of person who can follow a rule for the sake of being told to. My mom once said that was what faith was all about, following a rule that you don't understand in order to show that you believe in whomever set the rule. Faith is far more frightening, and beautiful to me. Faith is what keeps people having children, what allows us to look one another in the eye, what prompts us to create things of beauty, and to continue looking for goodness in others.
I don't have a whole lot of faith right now. It's been a hard year, and I feel pretty trampled. I'd like for someone to give me the answers for a little while, and while I know that isn't something that's actually acceptable for me, I can see how tempting it is for others who find themselves losing their faith.
Closed
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?
Only if it's a nice hotel and I like the way the stuff smells.
3. Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room?
Yes.
4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
Yes.
5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
Only since starting my current job.
6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
Yep.
7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
Bear.
8. Do you always smile for pictures?
Only if asked to.
9. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Apathy
10. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
In mostly.
11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
When I was younger I did, actually I counted stairs, and sometimes I still do.
12. Have you ever peed in the woods?
Sure.
13. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
Depends on my mood.
14. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
Pens, not penscils (I don't like the taste of eraser)
15. Ever talk on a cell phone in a public bathroom?
Not public bathrooms.
16. Do you like popcorn from those big tins?
Nah, it tends to be stale.
17. What is your "Song of the week"?
Rilo Kiley- Hail to Whatever You Found in the Sunlight that Surrounds You
18. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Who am I to tell a guy not to wear pink?
19. Do you still watch cartoons?
If I had cable I would watch adult swim.
20. Whats your favorite scary movie?
The scary movie that scared me the most was The Ring. I don't generally *like* scary movies so I don't have a favorite.
21. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
It wouldn't be hidden if I told.
22. What do you drink with dinner?
Water or beer.
23. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
When I ate chicken I would dip nuggets in bbq sauce. I have fake chicken nuggets now, and I tend to dip them in bleu cheese or italian dressing.
24. What is your favorite food/cuisine?
Right now i'm a big fan of veggie restaurants, but I have a soft spot for Indian Buffet.
25. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
Irrelevant.
26. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
"I was a boy scout once... a girl scout too... till some brat got scared!"
27. Ever gone skinny dipping?
For the first time this year :-)
28. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
I wrote a letter to a friend back in Denver on the flight to Boston Friday night.
29. Can you change the oil on a car?
I haven't done it yet, but I'm sure I'm capable of doing so.
30. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
Twice in a month a couple of years ago.
31. Ran out of gas?
Nope.
32. Favorite kind of sandwich?
Portobello mushroom with mozerella, basil and tomato.
33. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
Greasy diner food.
34. What is your usual bedtime?
between 11-1
35. Are you lazy?
Kind of.
36. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for halloween?
Lots of different stuff. The best was the year I dressed up as Death from Sandman. That was in high school though so I don't know if it counts.
37. Ever eat a Chaco Taco?
Yeah. Chaco Tacos are SWEET. Not as good as the ice cream cones that they used to sell at the snack bar in middle school with the chocolate in the bottom, but still pretty good.
38. How many languages can you speak?
I speak English fluently, I understand Hebrew (but speak poorly at best), and I've studied Spanish and German. Arabic is next.
39. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Wired and Foreign Affairs
40.Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
Legos.
41. Are you stubborn?
Sometimes.
42. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
eh.
43. Ever watch soap operas?
Does Grey's Anatomy count?
44. Afraid of heights?
Only in buildings.
45. Sing in the car?
Sometimes. Don't have a car anymore.
46. Dance in the shower?
Nope, I'd probably kill myself.
47. Dance in the car?
Nope.
48. Ever used a gun?
No.
49. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
A couple of years ago my dad had some pictures taken of me and my brother.
50. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
Depends which. West Side Story, yes, Rent, kinda, The Phantom of the Opera, not so much.
51. Is Christmas stressful?
Not my holiday
52. Ever been to GoofyAuctions.com?
No...?
53. Favorite type of fruit pie?
Apple
54. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
Astronaut, writer, water ballerina
56. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
Yeah
57. Take a vitamin daily?
try
58. Wear slippers?
yeah
59. Wear a bath robe?
yeah
60. What do you wear to bed?
tee shirt and sweats or boxers, or just underwear
61. Your First Concert?
By myself, Metallica on the Re-Load tour
62. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
none
63. Nike or Adidas?
converse all stars
64. Cheetos Or Fritos?
doritos
65. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
sunflower seeds
66. Ever have a hidden piercing?
Does navel count, or are we looking for more hidden?
67. Ever take dance lessons?
Yeah
68. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
huh?
69. Can you curl your tongue?
Yes.
70. Ever won a spelling bee?
Nope
71. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
I don't think so.
72. Ever eat a booger?
When I was young
73. Own a record player?
Yeah.
74. Regularly burn incense?
no
75. Ever been in love?
Yes.
76. Who would you like to see in concert?
The Beatles
77. What was your last concert you saw?
I saw Say Hi to Your Mom on Wednesday night.
78. Hot tea or cold tea?
Usually hot tea.
79. Ever ran around outside without a shirt?
Not since I was little.
80. Favorite kind of cookie?
Chocolate chip
81. Can you swim well?
pretty well
82. Can you hold your breath without manually holding your nose?
Yes.
83. Are you patient?
Mostly
84. Band or DJ?
Band
85. Ever won a contest?
Yeah
86. Ever had plastic surgery?
No.
87. Which are better black or green olives?
Green.
88. Can you knit or crochet?
Both
89. Best room for a fireplace?
Never had one.
92. Who was your high school crush?
My first boyfriend.
93. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
No.
94. Do you have kids?
No.
95. Do you want kids?
Yeah.
96. What're your favorite colors?
Blue and Green, and sometimes dark red.
97. Do you miss anyone right now?
Not really
98. Who do you wanna see right now?
No one in particular.
99. Do you enjoy your job?
In waves
100. What college did you or want to go to?
I went to Guilford College.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Hahvahd Skwayah
Being around Rosy has reminded me of home. It's strange, I keep trying to think of DC as home, I try to say "going back to Denver" instead of "going home", but Denver is still the last place I could really call home. I love DC, but it's not home yet. I don't love people in DC, I don't love places in DC. I feel like I'm on an extended summer camp or something. I've actually lived in DC less time than I lived in Israel. Anyway, this was really just a brief update, and Rosy and I are going to watch some Gray's Anatomy.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Lessons of the day:
When being paid hourly GO HOME at 5 pm. Especially if you have a flight to catch and haven’t packed yet (so you don’t forget your i-pod and inhaler, or run around like a lunatic thus frightening the cats, who will subsequently most likely pee on your bed).
Bank of America exists in Boston. Who knew? (except all of you Bostonians… you don’t count)
Tourists can be made noticeable by
a. their accents
b. their exclamation over the presence of Annie’s Pretzel stand in the airport
c. being tanned orange and wearing white pants in November
Stress makes you an unpleasant person. Don’t flip out, and breathe (so that you don’t need the inhaler you left at home)
No matter what you say, you aren’t really going to study for the GRE at the airport, on the plane, or while you are in Boston. Let’s be honest.
The combination of $7 earphones and your computer effectively mimics an ipod until you want to start walking.
Your dependence on your ipod, and the fact that you noticed it was missing a full 45 minutes before your inhaler is somewhat distressing and you should probably have your head examined.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
She plays pop music of the future
The touring pink lamp.
It was not a great day today. There was about an hour there where I thought it might be, but not so much.
Things that were good today:
Rilo Kiley
Making pumpkin pie (for the first time ever!)
Drunk dialing my mom
Thinking about Boston tomorrow
Last night I saw Say Hi to Your Mom, which was unexpected, and fun and wonderful. Jenn and Susan came with me, even though we were all tired and had never been to the venue before. And what a venue it was. Quite strange. Anyway, I don't think I've ever been to a show with fewer people. But it was fun, and there were enough people that it wasn't a complete wash.
I just realized I forgot to do my laundry. Crap.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Seeing Ghosts
In other news, I love sudaphed. If it wouldn't get me put on all sorts of federal watch lists I would probably buy it in bulk. I didn't realize how congested I have been for the last week until this morning when I finally broke down and took sudaphed, and dear sweet lord, do I feel better today than I have in weeks.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
A retrospective in stickers
I have voted in every election since I have been eligible to vote. I overnight mailed an absentee ballot from Israel when I was studying there, and that was an odd year election. I did not always get the nifty stickers, because for the majority of my voting existence I have voted absentee, and this is the first year that Colorado has included stickers with their absentee ballots. When I was a small child I would ask my mom for her "I voted" sticker and she would never give it to me. She would say that I hadn't voted, and when I had voted I could have a sticker. She also would not let me pull the lever on the old voting machines. My mom is a purist.
Despite my jaded feelings towards our fair democracy, I have voted, and I will vote, every year until I die.
Because I can't bitch about it if I don't vote.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Yesterday morning I woke at 4:30 in the morning to books falling on my head. I had stored them on the top ledge of the window frame. This did not seem like an ill-fated plan at the time because I had done so on my other window frames with no ill effect. And, in truth, these books stayed put for a month and a half.
Beyond the physical discomfort of suffering a bloody nose from paperbacks falling on my face, there is potentially some psychological trauma that may need to be dealt with stemming from being assaulted by the paper-back copy of Anne Frank's diary that I read in second grade.
Tomorrow is mid-term elections. I felt pretty removed this year, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I've just moved, and if there's anything more complicated than the electoral college it has to be DC politics. Since I plan to raise my familiy in Denver (whenever that may be) I don't feel badly about having voted absentee in Colorado. The big issues in my district were the gubanatorial election, the two marriage amendments. There was a seat in the running, but it is a Democrat versus someone in the Green Party.
Getting back to the two marriage amendments. One is a definition of marriage stating that it is between a man and a woman. The other is a domestic partnerships amendment which also defines marriage as between a man and a woman, but allows that people in domestic partnerships should have the exact same rights. Personally, I don't have any problem defining marriage as one thing and domestic partnerships as another, as long as they really truly mean the same thing. To me it reeks of "seperate but equal" and we know how well that worked out. I don't understand what the problem is. I don't understand why two women being wives detracts from a man and a woman's joy in being husband and wife. Why is it so offensive?
For legal/ civic purposes I think everyone should get a domestic partnership. Let's removed the term in question from the equation. Everyone gets a domestic partnership, and if you want to get "married" you can do so in your church/synagogue/coven whatever. If you belong to a religious organization which objects to the love you have for your partner, at that point it becomes your issue, not the government's.
If I thought anybody read this I would prepare myself for an onslaught, but since I think there are maybe three people in the world who check it periodically I'm not all that concerned.
I'm feeling disenchanted with democracy. Don't get me wrong, I love to vote, it's crucial to vote, GO VOTE TOMORROW (the three of you who are reading this... maybe). It's just that I can't get past the idea that the people are stupid. Or maybe not the people. I don't know any truly stupid people, so I have a hard time qualifying anyone as stupid. And yet the American People (writ large) seem to allow, condone, encourage incredibly upsetting behavior. I don't understand the disconnect. Where is the majority that voted for Bush two years ago? I haven't met any of them... where are they stashed?
Anyway, I belive in the power of democracy, but I can't help but think that the people with whom I share this democracy aren't paying attention.
The system is too big, and too broken.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Today I met a woman who is truly living a life of courage, tenacity and hope. She lives in a war zone and helps women to support themselves and their families. She goes to work every day down different routes so that she decreases the opportunity for those who don't like what she does to hurt or kill her. She lives the decisions that she makes every day, and she is aware of their implications. Her temerity is tempered by realism. She is scared, and she is angry and she despairs.
I got to spend time with this amazing woman, and as much as I enjoyed being near her, listening to her, I felt unqualified to exist near her. In a way, being near to her made me feel like a spoiled, whining child. I had nothing of worth to share with her from my life, nothing that I could give to her that had the power and importance of what she gave to me. I have lived a life of privilege tempered by social conscious and responsibility. I am not embarrased of the life I have lived to this point, and that I was lucky enough to be born in a safe place and time. I have a fair enough understanding of odds to know that I am damn lucky in drawing the life I did.
She told me stories that broke my heart, and all I could do was listen, but listening seemed like too little. How should I respond to stories about rape, murder, societal corruption, the overwhelming and paralyzing affects of poverty? Every day she wakes up and faces the visceral, intellectual and emotional cost of war head on. It reminds me of visiting the zoo as a small child. I always wanted to go see the rhinocerous pen, because you could see on the painted metal door where she rammed it with her head. The door was dented and the paint was chipped, and looking at it you knew that it was a small battle won by the animal, because at some point the zoo stopped repainting the door.
Every time I get in a car,or buy a piece of fruit from New Zealand I feel as though in a small way I am enabling the war to continue. Every time I turn off the radio, ignore the newspaper or watch a stupid sitcome I want to do penance for my escapism. How can I justify wanting to ignore the world, when I live safely and calmly in the wealthiest nation in the world? How can I stand next to women who risk their lives every day to make a world that does not notice their existance a better place?
I have a responsibility to these women, to do my best from where I am and with what I have, to honor their risk, their courage, their fear and their pain every day with the life I lead.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
There's so much beauty it could make you cry
It surprises me to be able to say that since leaving college one of the things I enjoy most on the weekends is sleeping in, but not sleeping in too much. I was never like some of my friends who could, and would easily sleep until 4 or 5 in the afternoon. But more often than not I wouldn't get up until about 1 or 2. I love that now, on the weekends, I can wake up at 9 and feel like I've been great and wondrous gift of an extra hour and a half of sleep. Actually making a concerted effort to get six or more hours of sleep a night has made this seem reasonable.
This morning I awoke after being up far later last night than I have been in weeks. And by far later what I really mean is 2:30am. I wasn't doing anything interesting, I was recovering from the adrenaline rush of trying to fix a crisis that arose at work. It involved airplanes and airports in New York and possibly Homeland Security and I can probably blame President George W. Bush for the fact that I was up until 2:30am. I'm gonna roll with that unless I find out on Monday that it was someone else's fault.
Anyway, what caused me to wake up at the same time this morning that I do every other day of the week? A strange crashing sound out my window (which, despite a "freezing warning" was open because I live on the third floor of my house, and we all learned in kindergarten or something that heat rises... so it's freezing down in the kitchen, and a tropical resort in my room). I bleary-eyed looked out the window and could make no sense of the situation. And then I remembered that I've worn glasses for the last ten years of my life, and making visual sense of the world below would be aided by actually putting them on my face. And then I saw the dog.
Far below on the sidewalk was a dog I have noticed in my neighborhood before. I notice this dog because in an age of Human Societies, and a concerted effort to reduce the population of mutts in the world, it is very rare to see a.... shall I say, "intact" dog. But intact he is. Independent of his anatomical correctness, the dog looks sort of like a cross between a greyhound and a great dane. He has the height and face of a great dane, but the body and build of a greyhound. Anyway. The glorious sound that brought me out of slumber at 7:30 this morning, the crashing of metal against metal was caused by this dog.
Two cars, swerving to avoid the dog? Someone distracted by his dangling bits, crashing into a lightpole?
Nay my friends. The dog’s owner had tied him to a wrought iron patio chair, and apparently the dog had decided he no longer wanted to be where he was, and so he left. But he took the chair with him, because you never really know when you will need a nice patio chair. And as he was running with his freedom down the glorious streets of North West Washington DC he came to an abrupt stop. His buddy, the chair, had become intractably lodged underneath the creepy black van parked outside my house.
This was when I began observing the scene. Uncomprehending, and still reminding my eyes of how to focus in order for my brain to process information, I saw a giant dog and a creepy black van outside my house. And like any good neighbor I stayed in my warm, cozy bed and opened the window a little wider. After a moment I heard the frantic calls of the dog’s person. Having recently spent untold hours calling for a reluctant animal who is doing what he oughtn't, I felt a twinge of guilt for not pulling on some sort of clothing and going out to assist the guy (at this point I didn't quite understand why the dog couldn't freely continue on his jaunt to the great dog park of freedom). But I'm kind of intimidated by any dog owner who, for whatever reason, does not "fix" his dog.
Guy arrived, dog was disentangled from creepy black van, and guy, firmly scolding the dog, retreated, chair in tow.
And, at 7:35 this morning I was in my cozy bed, with two small cats curled around me, observing this poor man's misfortune, and empathizing. From my warm cozy bed. If i stayed up all night and slept until 2pm I would never get to see these things.
NaBloPoMo
So I'm a little late to the NaBloPoMo scene. I guess that's what happens when I fall of the face of the Earth (or at least the internet) in order to move and start a job which takes up a significant part of my life.
There I was, about to write something about work, and then I remembered dooce and what a damnfool idea that is.
So here I am internets. I am taking pictures again, I am writing again, at least a little, and hopefully soon I will be making art again. It really is a case of using it or losing it I have found. but for this moment there seem to be homicidal cats to wrangle, and sleep to be had. There will be a real post in the morning.
shredding
There is something truly satisfying about standing in front of the shredder and destroying a year and a half of unused checks from three different bank accounts. I'm purging my life of stuff that is taking up space, and I am protecting myself against identity theft and fraud, and also the shredder makes an incredibly satisfying hum.
On the subject of stuff that takes up space. I've been feeling slightly oppressed by my connections to the material world recently. I am feeling held back by my books, my movies, my furniture. I wish I could just walk away from about 95% of it, and I suppose I could, but I know that there is some of it I would inevitably miss if I did so. I am trying to be a bit firmer about getting rid of stuff when I bring new stuff into my life, about getting rid of clothes that I really haven't worn in a long time. I'm working on giving away the books I am not actually going to read again, or that I don't think I will want to share with someone special at some point in the future. Yet I am haunted by the sense of "But what if...." when I get rid of things... especially books.
I think that some of my problems with my stuff right now stem from the fact that when I moved I brought a two bedroom apartment's worth of possessions and have, for the most part, tried to make most of it go into a single bedroom (of course the common area furniture remains in common areas). I don't have an unreasonable amount of stuff, I'm simply trying to make it fit into an unreasonable space. Does that really mean I need to get rid of 4 of my 5 copies of Ender's Game? Probably. But I don't necessarily have to get rid of Where the Wild Things Are, or the candles I brought from Denver. I just need to be a little bit more strategic about how I store everything. Which leads me to how I came home last night and found that half of the books I had artfully arranged on the upper sill of my windows had come crashing to the ground at some point during the day yesterday. I have a hard enough time keeping my room in some semblance of neatness without my room actively working against me.
Argh.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Autumn Came Around Like a Drifter to an On-ramp
Fall is upon me, the leaves are finally changing and the chill in the air is definite. I'm beginning to layer, and it makes me happy. the heat is finally fixed in my house, which is excellent considering that it has gotten down into the 30s and 40s at night for the last couple of weeks. My life has been different since moving, and sometimes thats a good thing, and sometimes it is not. I don't have to convince myself that I love my job anymore. I am not bored at work, and though it is sometimes stressful and frustrating, it feels very good to be working a field that is actually what I would like to do for many years. Well... not the personal assistant end of it, but the organization works in the field I am interested in being in. I liked my old job, but that was more about the people that I worked with and being involved with something that was doing good work in the world. The fact was that as much as I enjoyed it, it was time for me to go when I did. There was really no room for me to advance in Denver.
One of the things that has made me really happy since moving is all of the shows I've gotten to see. I have seen four shows, The Mountain Goats, KMFDM, TV on the Radio and Dresden Dolls.
The other day I was thinking about the shows I've been to this year, as a work in progress, the list looks like this:
Stars (february)
Minus the Bear (march)
Dresden Dolls (march)
Spoon (april)
Mogwai/ Saves the Day (april)
Pretty Girls Make Graves (april)
Eels (may)
Islands (may)
Pearl Jam (june)
Missing Dufranes (august, an old friend's band)
The Mountain Goats (september)
KMFDM (october)
TV on the Radio (october)
Dresden Dolls (october)
That's more concerts than there are months in the year, and the year isn't over yet. Tomorrow night is the Decemberists, and then we get into the holiday season and the lean months. But musically, it has been a good year. This was the year of Wilco, The Mountain Goats, Dresden Dolls, Neutral Milk Hotel and Spoon.
There are other thoughts about my life that I would share, but for now, you get a list, some thoughts, and I get the knowledge that maybe I'm not as broken as I sometimes let myself believe.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
beginning to remember what "happy" feels like
So here I sit in Great Falls, Virginia, trying not to fall asleep and then wondering... why? why should i not fall asleep? aside from the desperate fear of my contact lenses adhereing themselves to my eyeballs, there is really no reason. perhaps i shall go to sleep... and sleep for a very long time. or perhaps i shall wander downstairs and eat some very very good food that i did not pay for.
There have been some tribulations since the move... cat issues, roomie issues, job stress and boy stress... but everything seems to be resolving itself in a generally reasonable manner. My job is awesome. It is not what I want to do with the rest of my life, but for now it is in the field in which I want to work, and it is at an organization I am thrilled to be working with. As much as I loved working at the counseling agency... I had a fairly limited job description and no real room for advancement. Here... here I could work for five years before I felt the need to consider going back to school. Not that I think that's the way things will come down... but I could do it. I could be happy working at Women for Women for a good many years. Though, as I said, perhaps not in the exact place where I am now. I am learning a lot, though it would be difficult to describe, lots of communication and outreach and such things.
the sleep bug is taking me... so i think i'll "put a dash in it" as one of my old professors had a tendency to say.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Motherfucking snakes on a mother fucking plane
It was a wonderful B movie.
Oh darling Samuel L. Jackson (they had the foresight to run the promo for his next movie, which looks equally absurd, before the show) I have been your adoring accolyte since first I watched The Long Kiss Goodnight.
Jackson was undoubtedly the star of the show, and EVERYONE knew it at all times.
If you are the least bit upset by gross stuff (people getting bit in the eye, and other places you probably don't want to think about) you should probably skip the first 45 minutes. Don't worry, you won't really miss anything.
Snakes on a Plane pulls no punches. You think it might not go there, but it does. I don't know if revealling painfully obvious plot is a **spoiler** but if it is, you've been warned... read no further.
Yes indeed. Mid coital snakebites, the truly unlikeable characters getting bitten (well mostly( penile snakebites, snakes up a skirt, pythons, king cobras, young kids, Keenan from Keenan and Kel/ All That (or maybe it was Kel? I'm pretty sure it was Keenan). As soon as the snakes are released (within the first twenty minutes, under an AMAZINGLY absurd premise) I realized "Oh My God. Will I have to sit through an hour and a half of people screaming like this? Cause if so I will probably leave" When it turns out that the movie is not in fact an hour and a half of people screaming and running in a panic around a plane the movie gets much better, because you've had a glimpse of what it *could* have been.
And besides. Did I mention I've loved Samuel L. Jackson (who should probably be knighted, because his name would sound SO COOL as Sir Samuel L. Jackson) since I was thirteen? Yeah. I have.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
curse my relatively clean lungs
DSC02920.JPG
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
I got my first "real" job in the spring of my ninth grade year. I worked one day a week at a local independent children's bookstore. Around the same time one of my good friends also got a job. She worked at a kite store. Over the subsequent three years of high school I maintained my job at the bookstore. One summer I got an additional job at a toystore, but I didn't like it much and quit.
My friend who got the kite store job was fired the same summer they hired her because her mom wouldn't let her walk alone to the nearest park to test out new kites alone (it was through a kinda sketchy neighborhood... this should also indicate just how young we still believed ourselves to be, though we wouldn't have admitted it at that stage). I think that between the end of that summer and the summer between the end of high school, she held no fewer than six jobs. If I recall correctly they included: day care attendent, bus girl, supermarket bagger, coffee slinger, Conoco gas station attendant, and Bagel seller (at Einsteins).
Here is what I learned vicariously from her experience:
1. It should never be necessary to work three jobs as one person and do *anything* else full time (the closest I came to this was last summer, when I worked one full time job and two part time jobs. to clarify, this was me doing three jobs. What she did was work three part time jobs *and* go to high school. I think she was able to do this for about three months).
2. Smokers get added benefits.
You see, my friend started smoking because the other bussers at the restaurant where she worked would get to take smoke breaks in addition to their meal breaks. I don't know how their "clock" system worked, as it is my understanding that there is a federally mandated amount of break hourly workers are supposed to have, but that was what she told me.
Her coworkers, who, for the record, were slowly killing themselves and producing furture drains on our health and welfare systems, got extra time off from work.
This has never bothered me before because I have always worked at places where a) if i said i needed to go for a quick walk and would be back in three minutes they said "cool" (as long as i wasn't in the *middle* of helping someone) or b)i got my federally mandated 30 and 15.
However, since I started working in a windowless office I have developed a finely tuned sense of the inequality. I walk across the courtyard through the clouds of smoke, and rather than think about the people who are blackening their lungs (I've had too many smoking friends), I think "Oh man, look how they get to stand outside in the sun for FIFTEEN WHOLE MINUTES".
I think that I am going to start scheduling "go outside" breaks for myself. For the next two weeks I get ten minutes in the rmoning and ten in the afternoon to remember about stuff like the sky, and clouds.
Stephen King once wrote a short story about a plague of body snatchers or something that only smokers were aware of. At the tender age of 13 it made me think that maybe there was an upside to killing myself with dried plants on fire in my mouth, on the off chance of alien invasion.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
DSC02751.JPG
DSC02751.JPG
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
Listening to: NMH (ipod on shuffle for the first time in ages)
There are certain situations that make me feel as though no matter how much I learn I will always be a novice. Sometimes I think that any subject on which I have actually devoted any amount of time studying actually falls into this category. Today, and most days, it is the Israel / Arab/ Palestinian/ Middle East Conflict.
Folk at work asked me last week "how concerned" am I about the current situation with Lebanon. I don't always know what to say when asked questions like that. I'm always concerned when there is violence in Israel. I also remember that living in Israel is just like living anywhere else, they just happen to be in the International news a whole lot. People still get up every day, they go to work, they send their kids to school, or camp, or out to play with their friends. People live their lives because they have to.
But I'm no expert. I've lived in Israel about a total of six months. I can't speak authoritatively on anything really. My Israeli friends are concerned though. They are worried, and they are nervous, and they are trying to go about their business, just like everyone else in the world.
In reference to God and belief, one of Jonathan Safran Foer's characters says "I'm an atheist, but I believe that it's very complicated". I think that sentiment basically describes almost every thing I believe. I know what I think about something, but I know that if it is in any way important, that it is complicated beyond my comprehension. Part of the reason zealots scare me beyond reason.
There are so many things that I believe, but reigning over them all, is my firm belief that Israel has a right, a necessity to exist.
I also believe that the Palestinians need their own land.
I believe that the Arab countries have treated the Palestinian people atrociously and no one seems to be paying attention to it.
I believe that destroying someone's home is not going to accomplish anything but making that person more mad at you.
I believe that misinformation often creates a veil behind which more ominous ideas may hide.
I believe that any army which uproots fruit trees needs to reevaluate it's motives (especially if that army is the army for the homeland of a people who believe that if one is planting a tree when the Messiah arrives you must finish planting the tree and then go greet the Messiah).
I believe that people have the capacity to make the world an amazing place.
I believe that people have the capacity to destroy the world.
I believe that there is no person who wakes up in the morning with the thought "Today I will do evil".
I believe that violence necessary only rarely, and only after a breakdown in diplomacy.
I believe that the majority of problems in the world stem from communication issues, people who don't, can't or refuse to understand one another.
I believe that I am an incredibly naiive person.
I beileve that I am an incredibly jaded person.
Monday, July 10, 2006
I Don't Think I'm Ready Yet
I haven't been able to concentrate on the album as much as I would like to, mostly because I haven't really been in the mood for TVoTR at the moment, also because I picked up "The Avalanche" a mere four hours prior to getting "Return to Cookie Mountain" and was completely blown away and obsesseed with "Springfield, or Bobby's got a Shafly Stuck in His Hair" (which, for those of you who are as obsessed with Colin Meloy as I am, sounds remarkably like "Save Yourself" on Tarkio's "Omnibus", at least musically).
So anyway, here I am, finally feeling ready to leave behind my four song Sufjan/Tarkio playlist, and I forgot TVoTR at home. So I've been Pandora'ing it, and that's been about as touch and go as it usually is. I think I'm too eclectic for the music genome project. I am trying to figure out why it is taking over 7 months to create a working TVoTR website. I mean, aren't they signed to a major record label these days? Dosn't Interscope have a couple of people on their payroll who can make things happen on the internet a little more quickly than glacier speed?
I guess I'm complaining because I'm still bitter about missing the NIN/TVoTR/Bauhaus show and I want to know when they will be touring again, and where.
Anyway. Music is one of the few good things in my life at the moment. Word.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Subject: LEAD: Scientific claims about gravity still up in the air
Hello,
My client, Michael Jones is appalled that despite over three hundred
years of claims, scientists are unable to prove that gravity is due to
objects pulling on one another. In fact, this Tacoma author is offering
a $15,000 reward in a contest to prove his point.
Please let me know if you'd like more information or if you'd like to
set up an interview.
--
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Tacoma man offers $15,000 to person who can prove Newton's Gravity
Theory
Gravitational Challenge strikes new debate in classrooms
TACOMA, Wash. - Are science books leading children astray? Tacoma author
and life-long student of the universe, Michael Jones says the textbooks
are wrong when it comes to claims about gravity. Jones once thought that
scientists knew everything there was to know about the universe, but the
more he researched, the more he realized the large amounts of incorrect
data that is taught in the classroom.
Jones is the author of Logical Universe: A Layman's Reality and says
K-12 science books make an ungrounded assumption behind the real cause
of gravity. Isaac Newton claimed gravity occurs as a result objects
pulling on one another over three hundred years ago and it has been
portrayed as fact ever since. This unsupported theory is in direct
opposition to Albert Einstein's assertion that gravity occurs as a
result of a change in the fabric of the universe around massive objects.
What does it matter whether gravity is due to a push or a pull?
Understanding the universe involves more than just mathematical models;
it involves understanding the reasons why things happen. Jones says a
complete understanding of gravity might allow us to develop artificial
gravitational fields that can be used to propel vehicles through space
at extreme velocities, allow us to build space tugs that can divert
comets or asteroids that are on a collision course with Earth, and it
could make travel to every planet in our Solar System an everyday
reality.
Jones is offering a $15,000 reward to the person who can prove that
gravity is a result of objects pulling on one another by citing an
experiment or observation that supports this claim in the "Logical
Universe Gravitational Challenge".
"If this evidence cannot be provided by American academia, then in the
interest of promoting scientific literacy and accuracy, all statements
that suggest that objects pull upon one another should be removed from
American curricula, " Jones says.
He says if we are to improve scientific literacy among the nation's
youth, we must make clear distinctions between what is known and what is
simply assumed and believed.
Michael Jones resides in Tacoma, Washington with his wife and two sons.
While continuing his study of the universe, Jones owns and manages a
painting company. He is interested in the development of controlled
field propulsion and enjoys sea kayaking. For more information or to
enter the "Logical Universe Gravitational Challenge", visit
www.logicaluniverse.com.
###
As a source, Michael Jones can discuss topics such as:
- Continuing education over the summer: Hands on things to do with your
kids to teach science
- Why the science textbooks are wrong & why educators need to
re-evaluate curricula, esp. in regards to gravity
- Practical ways to proactively pursue new developments in science
- Reasons why we do not yet understand our universe & what further
understanding could mean for the future
Monday, June 12, 2006
In Sight
In Sight
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
Attitudes about standardized testing aside, I can actually see the purpose of the LSAT. It reasonably measures the things that a law student ought to have before emabrking on an intensive course of legal study.
Despite an OVERWHELMING urge, I am NOT allowing myself to study this morning. I just have to trust that in my studies, at various points, I have done very well on each of the sections, and I can do that during the timed event. (icanicanicanicanicanicanican).
Things that I am looking forward to doing tonight:
A)Drinking a couple of beers and getting silly in the head
and
B) (one or more of these) Finding friends to get silly in the head with/ watching a million hours of tv without feeling guilty /reading a couple of books without feeling guilty
Thursday: Ladies Night at the Grizzly Rose ("the rose" as leia calls it) this is free drinks for ladies. no strings attached. no needing to "look like a slut" (thanks elise), no needing to actually talk to guys (thanks lynn). Just pure, unadulterated, hopefully drinking *just short* of the "i think sleeping on the bathroom floor is actually a really good idea" point.
Things I am looking forward to doing over the next couple of days/ weeks:
A) Cleaning my apartment
B) Getting rid of a couple of boxes worth of shit
C) Spending some time with my Nikon
D) Some long- ass bike rides (with camera? Yessssss)
E) Hiking
F) Backpacking
G) Camping
H) Cathartic fire
I) Going out on dates? (Is anyone asking? If you do, I will be fun, a wonderful person with whom to spend some hours. And who knows... dates sometimes end with.... other stuff?)
Anyone interested in any of these activities... you know where to find me!
Eep. Dodger seems to be trying to eat Scout must away.
Friday, June 02, 2006
I <3 buereaucracy
"According to the Bureau of Homeland Security, New York Has No National Landmarks That Might Interest Terrorists. "That was a key factor used to determine that New York City should have its anti-terror funds slashed by 40 percent--from $207.5 million in 2005 to $124.4 million in 2006." The official list omits..."The Empire State Building, The United Nations, The Statue of Liberty and others found on several terror target hit lists. It also left off notable landmarks, such as the New York Public Library, Times Square, City Hall and at least three of the nation's most renowned museums: The Guggenheim, The Metropolitan and The Museum of Natural History."
I keep finding myself wondering whether there's a little footnote in the report somewhere explaining that New York did once have a National Landmark, but some people flew a couple of planes into it."
Also, the Museum of Modern Art, home to "Starry Night" in addition to numerous other pieces considered part of the artistic canon.
Listening to: Morning Edition
but when we're together, we're too good for this world
i am feeling filled with absurd contradictions. i feel too old and too young, too jaded and too naive. how can i feel so strong, and be so easily hurt? how is it that i can expect the best of people and settle for the worst? what is this life that so utterly baffles me on a regular basis, that leaves me a quivering mess, that tires my soul and exhausts my heart?
i was on the airplane yesterday, in the very last row with a family of four, a mother, father, and two small girls. the father was a petulant turd, he was childish and obnoxious. he spent the entire flight complaining about the seats that wouldn't recline, about the flight attendant asking him to put on his seatbelt when we hit turbulence, about not being able to get up when the seatbelt light was on. at the end of the flight he made some quip about trying to do something "out of sight of the Nazis". it was the last straw. in my head, i unleashed on him.
"could you please, if not for me, than for your daughters who seem to be sweet and wonderful girls and who look to you as an example, could you please manage not to be a jackass for the three and a half hours we are all on this plane together? could you please be cautious of your language? could you please not minimize the murder of millions of people by comparing the perpetrators of war crimes with flight attendants who are trying to abide by federal safety regualtions? could you please just be conscious of the fact that no one is impressed by your quippiness and sarcasm, that your wife does not think that's cute, but who goes along with it because it's easier than picking a fight with you in public? please, stop being a bully and just grow up"
maybe it was because at the very moment he made the comment about the nazis that i was reading about Jan Karski, the righteous gentile who smuggled out reams of evidence about the Final Solution to a resounding lack of response by the Allied governments and the leaders of Jewish communities in both the United States and Great Britain. He wore a star on his clothes and went into the ghetto.
i have a sense of humor. i am not an ultra- sensitive bleeding heart. most of the time i can maintain a certain degree of distance between myself and the atrocities of the world. jesus, if i couldn't i would likely have killed myself long before today. but sometimes, some days it's just too much.
the fact that people kill each other is a reality. genocide is not a new idea. it's not a product of industrialized society, no matter what Hannah Arendt proposed. The United States government enacted a policy of genocide, sometimes willfull and sometimes through pure and utter apathy, towards the Native Americans for the entire span of its existence. And don't think for a moment that much has changed. We, the victors, have done a damn fine job of sterilizing our history.
How dare I claim to have some sort of right to work for international human rights? and what is that idea anyway? we have no rights. we live in anarchism, pure and simple. our so called civility caves when it is challenged, why even bother trying to hold anyone to some sort of "higher standard". higehr than what?
fuck this noise.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Rocking out at the Reflecting Pool
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Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
Last night I saw My Morning Jacket and Pearl Jam at the Verizon Center in DC. It was awesome. Ok, well it wasn't NIN and TV on the Radio at Red Rocks (::sob::) but it was definitely a great show. I've never heard My Morning Jacket Before, so they weren't as exciting as they could have been, but they were pretty good and I will definitely be checking them out as soon as I have money I can spend on music again. The crowd was all Pearl Jam's though. The arena was maybe a third full after My Morning Jacket left the stage, but by the time the lights dimmed for Pearl Jam it was full.
They played a lot of new songs, which was okay, but did prompt me to turn to Spillz at one point and say "This is Pearl Jam trying to be Limp Bizkit and I wish they would stop". At one point they also seemed to be channeling Bruce Springsteen, but that wasn't quite as distressing.
The highlight of the show for me was during the firts encore when they played an AMAZING rendition of Bob Dylans "Masters of War". I want that, if anyone knows where to find Pearl Jam concert bootlegs (I have't looked very hard yet).
Yes. Now I go to get on a plane.
Monday, May 29, 2006
"You agitatin' my dots?"
So here I am in DC, and it's 12:19 but for me it feels like 10:19, only exacerbated by the fact that I slept through three hours of West Wing DVDs that my aunt was watching. So now, though I should be sleeping, soundly and deeply because I have a big day tomorrrow, I am watching a very old X-Files episode, "Blood" from 1994 this was episode 3 of the second season. In the first couple of minutes I got to see an old school ATM, a monstrous laptop with a modem line, and second season Scully with the huge glasses. w00t! This was still when the narrative of the show was exactly that, a narrative, like Mulder or Scully was reading from their report. There is a classic David Lynch/ Twin Peaks piece of cinematography in which a police office shoots a woman who is attacking Mulder and the screen goes white. Also a newsclip montage featuring the Rodney King beating, the OJ Simpson low speed pursuit, and Chalres Manson. For the record, considering my age at the time of the original airings of these video clips, I'm kind of amazed I was able to identify them as instantaneously as I was. Says something about the power of media saturation. This episode also features The Lone Gunmen, double w00t.
It's been years since I watched these old old X-Files. For the record, back in the beginning I was not allowed to watch the X-Files. It was on Friday nights and Friday nights were "no tv" nights. My aunt had a couple of videos that I watched obsessively when I would visit her, and sometimes my friends would tape episodes that I could borrow. Looking at them now, they have an awesome Twilight Zone/ Outer Limits sort of feel to them. It makes me sad to think about how different it was at the end, how wrapped up in its own mythology and lost from the awesome surreality that gave it its initial magic.
For the record. The picture is an old one of Scout in which she is trying to retrieve a toy from under the couch. She was persistent, it took her three days to retrieve her toy, but retrieve it she did. I have such smart kitties.
The title line has to do with a commerical that came on. Occassionally I am blown away by commercials and how awesome they can be. The first one I remember really loving was for Subway, in which there was a guy with a large picture of a panda bear and he said "Why should you eat lunch with me? Cause I'm so pretty! Pretty preeetty panda, Pretty preety panda!" and he tilted the picture back and forth. It was AWESOME. If I could find that commercial and have it on my computer I would do it in a heartbeat. Anyway, this commercial is for some package delivery service. Yes. Commercials. This is why I watch tv so very infrequently. It gets into my head and scares me.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Flaming Celluloid at 2:30 in the morning
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Where'd she go?
Where'd she go?
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
Currently Reading: White Apples by Jonathan Carroll.
Have you ever had a book get into your head so completely that you have moments when you can't remember where you end and the story begins? The last book i really remember that happening with was Someplace to be Flying by Charles deLint. That's one of the books that will come with me whenever i move. It's happened a couple of times, and it's never been a mundane affair.
These are the books that remind me that the world is full of wonder any mystery, and that to spend too much time trying to figure it all out is to detract from the simple truth of it all. The last two weeks have been very painful, and they continue to sleep in my consciousness, waking occassionaly and demanding my thought and analysis for many or few moments.
But from the other side i can see that the wounds have released me. Floodgates i had not realized i had erected have come crashing down. I am writing, i am looking at the art around me and thinking "i can *do* that". i was quietly mistaking apathy for peace, and it took a giant jolt, a paradigm shift, to alert me to the sneaking desperation that dogged my steps.
I can list for you the single moments that have struck this chord in me, but they wouldn't mean for you what they have for me. They are my secret places, and I can't tell why they meant what they did for me when they did. Perhaps if I had caught them at another time they would have been meaningless. In the case of "Here i dreamt i was an architect" that is, in fact, what happened.
True beauty is found in the simple, serendipitous moments.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
I am trying to break your heart
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Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
And I'd be lying if I said it wasn't easy.
Listening to: "Engine Driver"- The Decemberists
I wrote last night. For two and a half hours straight, fueled by coffee and beer and cigarettes. Suddenly I understand why Warren Ellis hangs out in the pub. In that short short time I knocked out over 5000 words neil gaiman says 1000 words a day is perfectly respectable.
I don't know if what I've written is any damn good, but it feels good simply to have done it. Sometimes I forget that writing is just like anything else, you have to do it in order to keep doing it. I mean, I guess I didn't really forget it, I've been much more compulsive about writing in my journals since i stopped trying to write creatively. but this felt good. like stretching in the sun, after a long languid winter.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Admissions
Currently Reading and Up Next
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
Currently Listening: Camera Obscura "Happy New Year"
This morning I fell in love with an unexpectedly quiet busy street. I love moments when it feels like the world is sleeping and I am watching.
I have great difficulty admitting I am wrong. It hurts. It is so hard to look at something that seemed so genuinely to be *truth* and to realize that it was not.
I was wrong about him, and I was wrong in my dealing with him. These admissions have no bearing on the factual reality of a series of unfortunate situations in which I was treated badly. The point is that, in retrospective analysis, I can see a number of instances in which I made the wrong decision, and I don't like being wrong.
What bothers me the most is when I am wrong in my estimation of people. I am a fairly guarded soul, I don't let people in very easily, and when I do it is geenrally because I truly *want* them to be a part of my life, and have some fair bit of evidence that they want to be a part of my life. To have let someone in who has proven unworthy of those small bits of trust has proven... hurtful.
Moreover it hurts that I do still want him to be a part of my life, because that was what I wanted when I let him in in the first place.
Really I just want to be the cutest girl at the comic*con. I suppose I'd haveto actually go to a comic*con first.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
DC Northeast Boundary Stone 8
DC Northeast Boundary Stone 8
Originally uploaded by zhurnaly.
Despite my proclamations that I am a romantic, that I am naiive and find beauty in the world, very few things make my jaw drop open in pure, unadulterated amazement. This did. "In 1791-92 Andrew Ellicott and the free African-American Benjamin Banneker surveyed the border of the District with both Virginia and Maryland, placing boundary stones at every mile point; many of these still stand." -From wikipedia.
If there were any doubt in my mind that DC is the place for me, this has assuaged it. Thank you zhurnaly.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Sorrow drips into your heart from a pinhole
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Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
I had something to say here, and I don't know if I remember what it was.
It had to do with the inevitable futility of trying to do something *good* in the world. With the ways in which people destroy themselves by slow degrees, and the ways in which we justify these things.
I throw myself into the LSAT with what can only be described as the half hearted full tilt enthusiasm of desperation. I do it because it's something to do, and it makes more sense than every other option.
All I really want is for things to be as peaceful and wonderful as they are in my head. A kind hearted guy who loves me will keep me warm at night, and we will challenge one another and debate the important things, and be secure that no matter what else, we love each other. We will have a sun filled cottage, or fourth floor apartment with a fire escape. We will have two cats lying on the foot of the bed on Sunday morning, and maybe even a well behaved dog.
We will be content with one another, and that will give us both the strength to take on the world.
I am realizing that I need to believe in love, I need to love and be loved, because without that I will wither away into a jaded, sad knot of pain. I have taken on a great task, I have huge dreams, and most of the time I can keep myself warm enough to keep those dreams floating in the air. But sometimes I get so cold inside, and I never know when that's going to happen, but that's when I need someone else to warm me. I need someone to look at my dreams, and to see that they are worthwhile, good dreams, and I need someone, or many someones to help me keep my dreams floating. And I of course, will help them keep their dreams up in the air.
I need someone to help me remember that the world is worth saving.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
never heard the melody 'til i needed the song
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Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
Listening to: Tom Waits "San Diego Serenade"
Confusion turns to fear, fear to terror, terror to confusion, confusion to sadness, sadness to emptiness, emptiness to anger, anger to acceptance.
After acceptance I'm ususally able to sleep. And after sleeping I can usually come back, and look at the situation with fresh eyes, and rested emotions, with the rationality that I value so. But sometimes I just have to stop myself and wonder what the hell I'm doing.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
I may never hear again
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Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.
For the first time I can actually determine that my hearing is less the day after a concert than it was the day before. I feel like I need to turn my music up just a touch louder to hear it, I can't hear the conversations in the hall quite as clearly. Next time I'll be bringing ear plugs. Cause I like being able to hear. Also, it's easier to hear the music without all of the hum, and I don't miss the hum, especially when I can feel it in my chest competing with my heart for rhythmic superiority.
An awesome concert. I would have loved it if I had paid for tickets, I loved it even more because I didn't. Also, hanging out with spectacular people for a couple of hours can never be bad.
And Britt Daniel and I had a moment.