It gets you down, there 's no spark, no light in the dark

There are a million things I want to write about, but in the harsh reality of the fact that, in fact, no one is interested in what I ate for lunch, I don't really know what to say about any of it.
How do we know which are the right decisions to make? How do I know if I am living my life well, if I am a help to my friends, a comfort to them in their time of need? How do I know how to be the person I should be?

I was recently faced with a person who said he would not be able to date someone who is religious. I didn't push him on what he meant by religious. Does he mean that he couldn't date someone who believes in god, who isn't an atheist, or that he couldn't date someone who takes the bible as the only truth... he used ambiguous language. Of course that wasn't the only problem, between us anyway.

I'm not an atheist, I never have been. I'm not agnostic... I think that a lot of modern religion is a crutch that people use in order to feel less alone in an entirely frightening world, and religion as a crutch is a lot healthier for the body than drugs as a crutch, or self mutilation, or any number of other things that people use in order to travel through a world that is generally fairly terrifying.

But I'm not religious. Sometimes I wish I could be. Someday maybe I will. But I was always be a questioner. I am not the kind of person who can follow a rule for the sake of being told to. My mom once said that was what faith was all about, following a rule that you don't understand in order to show that you believe in whomever set the rule. Faith is far more frightening, and beautiful to me. Faith is what keeps people having children, what allows us to look one another in the eye, what prompts us to create things of beauty, and to continue looking for goodness in others.

I don't have a whole lot of faith right now. It's been a hard year, and I feel pretty trampled. I'd like for someone to give me the answers for a little while, and while I know that isn't something that's actually acceptable for me, I can see how tempting it is for others who find themselves losing their faith.