Thursday, July 26, 2007

No good deed goes unpunished

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As any of you who have encountered me in the last year or so know, my brother is in the midst of a cross country bicycle trip (he is in the South group) to benefit Habitat for Humanity. I am so proud of him for what he has chosen to do, and for his commitment to this very intense proposition. I hope that one day I will have the drive to commit to such an endeavor.

Reuben embarked on this trip with a good friend of his from high school, Dan Lewis. Dan is a student at Yale and it was through Dan that Reuben found out about the trip. On Saturday July 7th Dan was hit by a car while the team biked through Kansas. He has sustained severe injuries, and has been in a medically induced coma since that time. He is currently in the hospital in Wichita, and his family is with him.

Dan's father has been maintaining a blog (They won't let people link directly to the pages, but if you follow the link to read the blog you can register for carepages, it is free, and Dan's page is danlewis2007) of the news from Wichita, which my father shared with me this Monday. Since then I have been going through and reading all of the entries as well as the comments of support and love that people have given the family.

Today's entry made me feel very contemplative:
In thinking about how love spreads, we were also reminded about the senseless horrors of violence and war. We began thinking about the Peace Vigil sponsored by Colorado Citizens for Peace that takes place every Saturday in Arvada. They've been there every Saturday without fail for almost three years. On July 6 (the day before Dan's accident), our family and several dear friends began a similar demonstration for peace at the NW corner of 8th and Colorado every Friday from 12:00-1:00.

Especially as I recall this report I heard on NPR this morning. I don't know if I should feel grateful or not that I don't have much interaction with veterans, but as I listened to the report this morning I couldn't help but think about Dan and his family.

The world is full of people who are working very hard to make life better for people they've never met, and never will. I listen to the reports about the families of men who were killed in Iraq or Afghanistan, and across the board, they reflect on how their son or husband was committed to helping others. I don't agree with the reasons we went into Afghanistan or Iraq, I was adamantly against the Iraq invasion at the time and I have remained staunchly so in the intervening years. I am not quite a pacifist, but I have not in my life encountered a set of circumstances that compel me to say that armed force was necessary for resolution. And then I see stories like this and I just want to cry.

During my four years at Guilford I learned the beauty of silence, the attraction of non-violence and pacifism, and the reality behind the romance of social action. But more than anything I gained a tiny understanding of the Quaker tradition of holding others in the light. So much appeals to me about Quakerism, but I think that this is the most appealing to me. Right now I cannot find a way to express what appeals to me about this without denigrating the idea of prayer, which is neither what I mean, nor what I intend, so at this point I'll refrain from explaining.

I guess what I'm really trying to get at is that there is a kid, a friend of my brother's, a student, a biker, a cellist, a good person, and he is lying in the hospital in his third week of unconsciousness. He was doing something amazing, doing a little bit to make the world a better place. He put music in the air, and he built houses for people who need them. His parents have been very strong, but I can only imagine what happens inside their heads after a long day at the hospital, when the lights are out and they have only one another to distract themselves. So please, for those of you who can, hold Dan Lewis and his family in the light, or pray for them if that is your inclination. I can only imagine how much strength they need.

Feelgood By Numbers

There are things which come into my life unbidden. I don't know if I could count them if I tried. One of them that I am currently enjoying is The Go! Team. I know that I didn't have their complete album previously because I looked for it, over and over. I thought to myself "I like this one song, I must have their whole album somewhere", but alas I never did. And then suddenly, there it was in my ipod.

Am I delirious? Did I buy this album at some point from itunes, or perhaps download it from some sort of nefarious source? But as I listen to it, it sounds like Dan's (my relationship with him is something else that came into my life without me looking or asking for it, and which I wouldn't give it up for the world) music, perhaps he gave it to me? A mystery.

It's a beautiful day outside. Not quite as awesome as over the weekend, but kind of perfect. True to my word, I've been back on my bike this week (I didn't make it on Saturday or Sunday, since rereading book six and then reading book seven took a little longer than I expected). I woke up early this morning and rode down past the White House and the Department of Treasury before turning towards home. I'm hoping to get out early enough tomorrow to go around the Mall.

Otherwise things proceed apace. I'm trying to switch my cats to an all raw diet, but they don't seem to be taking to it quite yet. I guess we'll see whose will is stronger. Though Dodger was puking all morning, so if that continues we'll have to call it quits. Maybe he's sick because his system has gotten so used to eating crap? That would be pretty sad.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Angels with Dirty Faces



It's been three months since I returned from Rwanda. What, you mean I didn't tell you that I went to Rwanda? Yes, I realized that I have been pretty quiet about that. My life, as ever, is full of excuses. It was an incomplete experience while I was there. It was too raw right when I got back. Then I moved. Then I had a boyfriend. Then...

It was an intensely powerful, intensely personal experience. Part of the reason that I have not written about my experience in Rwanda so far is that I fear beginning to sound like one of those sappy people who talks about the pain and horrifying experiences that people have overcome, and the power of love and the healing that can occur if only we could all just get along.

I was working while we were there. If I had been in DC it is the kind of work that would have made me want to hide in a corner all day. It was making sure Very Important People were in the right place at the right time, that they all got on the right bus, that they had enough water, and air, and hand sanitizer. It was sitting in a room for eight hours on the off chance that one of the Very Important People might possibly need something. But I was doing it in Rwanda, and so it was amazing. Which is my way of saying that some people had time to read the newspaper when they got back to their room at the end of the day. I was lucky if I had the energy to open my computer and make a half assed attempt at holding up a conversation with the guy I liked (forget about flirting with him, or impressing him in any manner, I was hoping to form complete sentences) from across the world. Because really, what's hotter than a half-delirious with exhaustion woman chatting with you at seven am from East Africa about the lower gastrointestinal distress of her colleagues? Yeah, damn sexy, that.

ANYWAY. What I did get, from the brief digests of the news that I culled from my colleagues and the Very Important People, is that Rwanda, while it has made great strides since 1993 (and really, when 1 million people in a country are killed in 3 months, anything that ISN'T mass murder and genocide is a great stride...) they have not come all the way. The party line that I heard from our Very Important Speakers, was that people in Rwanda no longer make a distinction between Hutu and Tutsi. That the Arusha based court has been truly dispensing justice. And I'm an outsider I have no way of passing the judgment of truth or propoganda. The sense I got was that there is still a ways to go.

I did meet amazing people. I met women who are HIV/AIDS + and who have taken in two or three orphans in addition to their own children, who are working to improve not only their lives, but their communities as well. I met a woman my age whose family fled Rwanda in the late 70's and who was raised in Uganda, but came back "because this is my country".

I saw the reality on the ground of what my work in Washington has been allowing to happen, and it has kept me going for three months. And I have learned the conundrum of the traveler to the developing world. When people casually ask you "So, how was Rwanda?" they don't want to hear about the piles of bones, or bloody clothes, or the woman with AIDS whose only wish is to live to see her children finish with school. But am I being honest to my experience, do I honor the women who trusted me with their stories, if I don't tell them?

It's been about eight years since I was stupid enough to think I actually knew anything about anything. The more I learn, the more I understand that there are no easy answers to anything. The problems with easy answers aren't problems for long.

Karmel Sutra

When I moved into my new apartment I was worried that I would spend all of my money at Whole Foods, a mere two doors away from me. For the most part I have been good. It's easy when all I eat is pasta. But of course I make an exception for produce, and cheese, and beer, which is no more expensive at Whole Foods than anywhere else.

My downfall, in so many ways, has been that I now have an epic selection of Ben and Jerry's, two doors away from me, and for a buck fifty *less* than 7-11. It didn't get dire until last night I'd been out and had a couple of beers and was feeling good and decided what my life needed was ICE CREAM. And the Whole Foods had just closed, and I was so fixated on the notion that I walked the extra two blocks to 7-11, and bought their last pint. And this morning I woke up, and like a staggering drunkard, I panicked because I couldn't remember if I had manged to get my wallet back into my bag after the ice cream escapade. So tonight, almost ready for bed, bathed and fresh smelling, I made note that it was only 9:30 and wandered downstairs for my evening pint, in my pajamas and a pair of airwalks I have had since 7th grade.

Being an adult RULES.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

I was at the aquarium for hours, just waiting

Seriously guys, the best tv show EVER is Flight of the Conchords. I am watching it right now and it blows my mind. I can watch it on HBO on demand whenever I want. I don't know if anyone has seen Eagle Versus Shark (I have not yet), but the guy who plays Jarrod is Jermaine. WHOA.

Monday, June 25, 2007

RE: tolerance

In regards the article below

There have been countless times over the last four years that I have wondered if I wouldn't be better off living as an expat in some European country with socialized medical care and a realist's view of climate change. Articles like this make me grateful to live in the United States, and I am glad to be reminded of it.

In my high school no one was allowed to wear headcoverings. This was an issue of security, something about gang affiliations and bandanas/ hats from years before. However exceptions were made for observant students. I recall at least one student wearing a hijab. In college there was at least one, probably more, though of course in college you could wear pretty much whatever you wanted as long as it met legal requirements for being seen in public.

I wonder how people hope to foster understanding and a sense of belonging if they are constantly trying to oppress others' rights to express themselves, whether through speech or religious adherence? When I lived in Israel my then boyfriend asked me why I wore long skirts. He said that only observant Jewish women wore long skirts. I responded that I enjoy wearing long skirts, and if people choose to label me based on my appearance, that is their decision. I did not stop wearing the clothing that I enjoyed simply because of the way I would be perceived.

I can't help but recall that it was Nazis who imposed appearance restrictions on their minority groups. That their lesser ethnic groups were mandated to wear identifying badges, that observant Jewish men's beards were cut.

I think that the idea of limiting an individual's right to free expression because it makes her difficult to understand, or causes a distraction is patently absurd. They don't bar lawyers with thick accents from practicing law or teaching. If someone (anyone) wears clothing that distracts people, whether it is a niqab, hijab, kippah, shtreimel, habit or saffron robes it should be an opportunity to teach understanding and education.

Of course members of minority groups grow weary of constantly being assailed as a "representative". I have encountered this as a Jewish person, and I can only assume that someone who dresses in a manner specific to their culture is even more of a target than I am. No one should have to leave their home every morning prepared with a short lecture on what it means to be a Muslim, Christian or Jew, however for as long as members of our society remain ignorant (willfully or not) that will be the lot of any member of a minority group. It is only through education and acceptance that we can move towards a society in which anyone can walk down the street without being questioned about who they are and why they are there. Difference, diversity, is the risk, or reward, of freedom.



From the New York Times
June 22, 2007

Muslims’ Veils Test Limits of Britain’s Tolerance
By JANE PERLEZ
LONDON, June 16 — Increasingly, Muslim women in Britain take their children to school and run errands covered head to toe in flowing black gowns that allow only a slit for their eyes. On a Sunday afternoon in Hyde Park, groups of black-clad Muslim women relaxed on the green baize lawn among the in-line skaters and badminton players.
Their appearance, like little else, has unnerved other Britons, testing the limits of tolerance here and fueling the debate over the role of Muslims in British life.
Many veiled women say they are targets of abuse. Meanwhile, there are growing efforts to place legal curbs on the full-face Muslim veil, known as the niqab.
There have been numerous examples in the past year. A lawyer dressed in a niqab was told by an immigration judge that she could not represent a client because, he said, he could not hear her. A teacher wearing a niqab was dismissed from her school. A student who was barred from wearing a niqab took her case to the courts, and lost. In reaction, the British educational authorities are proposing a ban on the niqab in schools altogether.
A leading Labor Party politician, Jack Straw, scolded women last year for coming to see him in his district office in the niqab. Prime Minister Tony Blair has called the niqab a “mark of separation.”
David Sexton, a columnist for The Evening Standard, wrote recently that the niqab was an affront and that Britain had been “too deferential.”
“It says that all men are such brutes that if exposed to any more normally clothed women, they cannot be trusted to behave — and that all women who dress any more scantily like that are indecent,” Mr. Sexton wrote. “It’s abusive, a walking rejection of all our freedoms.”
Although the number of women wearing the niqab has increased in the past several years, only a tiny percentage of women among Britain’s two million Muslims cover themselves completely. It is impossible to say how many exactly.
Some who wear the niqab, particularly younger women who have taken it up recently, concede that it is a frontal expression of Islamic identity, which they have embraced since Sept. 11, 2001, as a form of rebellion against the policies of the Blair government in Iraq, and at home.
“For me it is not just a piece of clothing, it’s an act of faith, it’s solidarity,” said a 24-year-old program scheduler at a broadcasting company in London, who would allow only her last name, al-Shaikh, to be printed, saying she wanted to protect her privacy. “9/11 was a wake-up call for young Muslims,” she said.
At times she receives rude comments, including, Ms. Shaikh said, from a woman at her workplace who told her she had no right to be there. Ms. Shaikh says she plans to file a complaint.
When she is on the street, she often answers back. “A few weeks ago, a lady said, ‘I think you look crazy.’ I said, ‘How dare you go around telling people how to dress,’ and walked off. Sometimes I feel I have to reply. Islam does teach you that you must defend your religion.”
She started experimenting with the niqab at Brunel University in West London, a campus of intense Islamic activism. She hesitated at first because her mother saw it as a “form of extremism, which is understandable,” she said, adding that her mother has since come around.
Other Muslims find the practice objectionable, a step backward for a group that is under pressure after the terrorist attack on London’s transit system in July 2005.
“After the July 7 attacks, this is not the time to be antagonizing Britain by presenting Muslims as something sinister,” said Imran Ahmad, the author of “Unimagined,” an autobiography about growing up Muslim in Britain, and the leader of British Muslims for Secular Democracy. “The veil is so steeped in subjugation, I find it so offensive someone would want to create such barriers. It’s retrograde.”
Since South Asians started coming to Britain in large numbers in the 1960s, a small group of usually older, undereducated women have worn the niqab. It was most often seen as a sign of subjugation.
Many more Muslim women wear the head scarf, called the hijab, covering all or some of their hair. Unlike in France, Turkey and Tunisia, where students in state schools and civil servants are banned from covering their hair, in Britain, Muslim women can wear the head scarf, and indeed the niqab, almost anywhere, for now.
But that tolerance is slowly eroding. Even some who wear the niqab, like Faatema Mayata, a 24-year-old psychology and religious studies teacher, agreed there were limits.
“How can you teach when you are covering your face?” she said, sitting with a cup of tea in her living room in Blackburn, a northern English town, her niqab tucked away because she was within the confines of her home.
She has worn the niqab since she was 12, when she was sent by her parents to an all-girl boarding school. The niqab was not, as many Britons seemed to think, a sign of extremism, she said.
She condemned Britain’s involvement in Iraq, and she described the departure of Mr. Blair at the end of this month as “good riddance of bad rubbish.” But, she added, “there are many Muslims like this sitting at home having tea, and not taking any interest in jihad.”
The niqab, to her, is about identity. “If I dressed in a Western way I could be a Hindu, I could be anything,” she said. “This way I feel comfortable in my identity as a Muslim woman.”
No one else in her family wears the niqab. Her husband, Ibrahim Boodi, a social worker, was indifferent, she said. “If I took it off today, he wouldn’t care.”
She drives her old Alfa Romeo to the supermarket, and other drivers take no exception, she said. But when she is walking she is often stopped, she said. “People ask, ‘Why do you wear that?’ A lot of people assume I’m oppressed, that I don’t speak English. I don’t care. I’ve got a brain.”
Some British commentators have complained that mosques encourage women to wear the niqab, a practice they have said should be stopped.
At the East London Mosque, one of the largest mosques in the capital, the chief imam, Abdul Qayyum, studied in Saudi Arabia and is trained in the Wahhabi school of Islam. The community relations officer at the mosque, Ehsan Abdullah Hannan, said the imam’s daughter wore the niqab.
At Friday Prayer recently, the women were crowded into a small windowless room upstairs, away from the main hall for the men.
A handful of young women wore the niqab, and they spoke effusively about their reasons. “Wearing the niqab means you will get a good grade and go to paradise,” said Hodo Muse, 19, a Somali woman. “Every day people are giving me dirty looks for wearing it, but when you wear something for God you get a boost.”
One woman, Sajida Khaton, 24, interviewed as she sat discreetly in a Pizza Hut, said she did not wear the veil on the subway, a precaution her husband encourages for safety reasons. Sometimes, she said, she gets a kick out of the mocking.
“ ‘All right gorgeous,’ ” she said she had heard men say as she walked along the street. “I feel empowered,” she said. “They’d like to see, and they can’t.”
She often comes to the neighborhood restaurant along busy Whitechapel Road in East London for a slice or two, a habit, she said, that shows that even veiled women are well integrated into Britain’s daily life.
“I’m in Pizza Hut with my son,” said Ms. Khaton, nodding at her 4-year-old and speaking in a soft East London accent that bore no hint of her Bangladeshi heritage. “I was born here, I’ve never been to Bangladesh. I certainly don’t feel Bangladeshi. So when they say, ‘Go back home,’ where should I go?”

Monday, June 04, 2007

Baby, I'm Coming Home


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Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.

I am starting to get excited for my impending vacation to Denver. I was speaking with someone the other day and realizing that I am slowly shifting from considering Denver as home to DC. I'm not all of the way there yet, but I'm getting there.

Still, part of my heart will always be in Denver. I suppose you can't live in one house for 21 years and not leave pieces of yourself. It's funny to me though, that the pieces seem a little bit smaller the further away I move in time. The further away I go geographically the larger they feel. I wonder if there is a place and time when the two forces will be equal, and I will feel at peace?

I have been engaged in an epic internal battle. I am fighting against, laziness, apathy, and television. I am trying to salvage my creative instincts, and more over to hone them, to focus in on one or two areas and really become good at something. My problem is how lost I feel. I don't know how to get the feedback I need about the stuff that I really care about, yet I get it in spades about the stuff I don't give a shit about. Alas, for now.

Goal for the week:
post pictures in five new *active* flickr communities

They both seem to make me feel a little less insane

My mind is feeling a little noisy at the moment. I had a dream last night that I was in my elementary school carpool, but that we were all as old as we are now. And whenever I tried to talk to anyone they acted like I was the village idiot. It was just like elementary school, when carpool was probably the thing I dreaded most about each day. What made it even harder was that one of the people in the dream was one of my best friends. She had been in my carpool for a year when we were young, and it was not the best year of our friendship. Yet we have come a very long way in the intervening fifteen years. She and I had a wonderful phone conversation yesterday, which I remembered in my dream, and which served to confuse me wholeheartedly.

I am learning how not to be passive aggressive, or even just aggressive. I am learning how to balance my needs when I am upset with my desire to understand others needs. And I am working on not bothering people with things that will upset them at a time when they are not able to focus on it (such as not telling people stuff when they are at work).

I am in a new relationship, and it feels even newer since it has been so long since my last one. I am trying to teach myself good habits, trying to be good to this person who has given me a chance. But I am also trying to be good to myself, and it is a challenging balance to maintain.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Watching the sun rise


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Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.

My cats woke me up too early this morning, with their crazies and their zoommies. I've been awake for almost two hours, trying to get back to sleep, watching the end of the season of Lost, and pretending that I don't feel as nauseated and exhausted as I do.

My new apartment is basically done, I just have to straighten up the miscellaneous chaos. I wish I had less stuff. I know it's seemingly simple to achieve this wish... simply throw things out. Right,

I think I should probably not sleep with House of Leaves peering at me from the bookshelf... taunting me with the pictures on its spine, saying "it's been four years, don't you think it's time to reread me?" I say NO!

I suppose I could get up, fix some coffee and take a shower. But somehow that feels like admitting defeat. With 10 minutes until mmy alarm goes off I think it may be time to throw in the towel though.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Eyes Open


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Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.

I have had a couple of experiences in my life that have made me stop in my mental tracks and think hard about the world I am living in. I had one such moment this morning as I was walking to work. A woman was walking down the street, sobbing hysterically. It was rush hour and the sidewalk was crowded, yet no one paid her any attention.

What I did, or did not do, in this situation, is not irrelevant, but it is also something that is between me, the woman, and the universe. This blog is not a place where I ask for props or condemnation for my actions, or lack of actions. It is not a place for me to air the trauma of another human being.

What has happened to our humanity, that we, as a society, can not see someone who is in such clear and obvious pain?

On my way home from a training a couple of months ago I was waiting at the bus stop with two fellow trainees and was approached by a man. He wanted money, for a cab to get to a job interview, or his shelter, or something. Of the three of us, all committed to helping others in crisis, only I scrounged in my pockets for the change that I had.

People say "don't give them money, they'll just buy alcohol" or "it just reinforces that it will work for them to beg". Am I a sucker? Probably. I don't feel sorry for people though. I don't care if someone is asking me for money so that he can go buy cheap vodka, I don't care if she's made up an infant to get my dollar. These are other human beings, and they are asking me for help. And it doesn't cost me very much to help them. And if for every ten people who doesn't need the money, or who uses it to make the pain go away, or whatever socially unacceptable use they choose, I help one person who really needs it, I feel as though it is worthwhile.

I have a roof over my head. I have a family that has always wanted what is best for me, that never abused or mistreated me. I have friends who are supportive and challenging. I have the freedom to leave my job if I want, or need to, and I have a small amount of disposable income. I am grateful for all of these things, and I cannot help but want these things for everyone. Barring my ability to buy the world a coke, I'd like to think that my eyes are open to help where I am able.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

I'm not waiting on a lady, I'm just waiting on a friend

Sitting in 14U on this ever so snowy afternoon. It's been an interesting week to be a DC resident. Take for instance Wednesday, which was warm enough to walk to and from work, and on the way to the office I spied a very interesting woman outside the Columbia Heights Giant. She was maybe a bag lady, maybe a little crazy. She work layers, and black boots, and a skirt. She had a grocery push cart and a hat and a cane. As I was about 2/3 of a block away she was hollering something that I couldn't understandt (I was quite fixated on listening to "Neon Bible"). As I got closer I was able to watch her a little bit. She walked forward a few steps, planted her cane on the sidewalk with authority, and brought her head down to rest on the top of it. She then hollared something at the ground, and after a moment lifted her right leg into the air. To me it looked like particularly slow motion interprestation of an old jazz dance move, though I am sure to some it could have also looked like a woman doing an interpretation of a dog peeing on a tree (sans tree). She did this a couple more times before I was far enough away to not be aware of it.
Yesterday a friend and I took an excursion to go thrifting. We braved the wiles of Northern Virginia, specifically Arlington and Alexandria. We found the Salvation Army. Two different Salvation Armies, across the the street from one another. And the Barnside Diner. If you're ever there you should try their gyros. Not that we did (we are both vegetarians), but they posses a very convincing sign suggesting the gyros. There was an old man who smelled like pot, and they cooked an epic amount of bacon and sausage while we were there. Which was strange, considering that for the majority of the time we were there we were two of the three customers in the entire establishment. But the food was decent, and it's been a long time since I had good diner food.
Last night was Wonderland. Which was disconcerting, because on a Saturday night it was full of middle aged men. We finally found some of the regular patrons, all of whom seemed to have been relegated to the smoking patio for some reason that I couldn't fathom, other than that middle aged men are scary folk to be around.
And today it is wet and snowy. And soon it will be dark and I will go home and perhaps I shall watch the Academy Awards with my roomates.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Slipstream

I just went through my flickr stream and deleted slightly less than 100 photos. This is my continuing effort to make all of the things in my life better. To reduce the amount of medicority in my life. And I choose to begin with the fact that my flickr stream is full of mediocre photos. It is weird to go through the stream in the organizr, looking at the different photos, looking at when i uploaded some things, and thinking back on why i felt they were worth sharing with the world. And in many ways it was very cleansing to get rid of many of them. Like cleaning my room. Well, more like moving. A little bit scary and a little bit exciting. I think I have a very odd relationship with flickr.

O'Tasty


O'Tasty
Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.

Last night I needed to buy quart grocery bags and wet cat food. Because today I am in Florida. It was not warm enough to go outside and sit on the beach, so instead I slept, because I only got four hours of sleep last night, because I decided it was reasonable to take an 8 am flight.

Anyway, getting back to the grocery store.

My sister was in town and at the grocery store with me. And there we were, standing in line, waiting to buy the ziploc bags and the cat food. There was a man in front of us in line buying two bags of frozen fish and some other stuff. I don't recall exactly how we ended up in conversation, but we did, and he spoke with a thick Jamaican accent. And that's when it got amusing. He told us about how he likes to go to the Jamaican bar on Georgia Avenue. How he goes to the bar on Friday nights and drinks two beers and feels "much better". About how he's glad that alcohol is legal, and how he thinks you should be able to drink and smoke the weed if that's what you want to do to feel better.

But don't smoke the crack.

Then he started singing the refrain from "One Love" and talking about drinking and smoking, but not the crack. Then it was time for him to check out. And he went through the whole thing about being Jamaican and "One Love" with the cashier, sans the comments about crack. And she found it just as amusing. And my sister and I could not contain our laughter. We clutched one anothers' hands and resisted the urge to collapse into fits of giggles.

Then he asked for my phone number.

Because he wanted to take me with him to Jamaica in October.

I told him I didn't have a phone (thank you to all of my friends who did not call me during that five minute period of my life). He said "How will I find you?"
I said "Oh, I come to the grocery store quite frequently"

He found that acceptable and went about his business.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

That is that, and this is this (a bitter unsent letter for Valentines Day)

Dear (name removed, but some jackasses know who they are),

Last year at this time you and I were exchanging instant messages from across the globe, contemplating our respective patheticness at going to concerts of bands that we love by ourselves (I didn't end up going alone, so I was less pathetic than you. loser). For the record, if I could go back to that day and convince myself to stop messaging and e mailing you, if I could erase the ee cummings poem you e mailed me from my journal, I would do it. I would take away the few good times I had with you, if it would save me the pain that you have caused me.

A year ago I never would have thought I could write those words. Such is the absurdity of youth. I never thought I could regret something so thoroughly as to want to erase not only the experience, but all of the things that occured in my life subsequently. I have always been able to look back at miserable, painful experiences and gather some solace from something good, or at least reasonable, from it.

My interaction with you is bereft of anything good. Yes, I had good times with you. I might not have seen Jonathan Safran Foer in person if not for you. I might not have seen the Dresden Dolls, or gone to a free Spoon show if not for you. But I remain confident that I could have achieved all of these things, and that I inevitably would have, without your intervention. It might not have been at those times, but it would have happened. Yes. We had some good sex. But in the words of Tori Amos "so you can make me come, that doesn't make you jesus".

So I may be bitter. I suppose many people would, if someone had seduced them with the downright contrivingness that you did. You listened to my fears about betrayal. You understood my intolerance for dishonesty. I told you I was not interested in dating you. And then you were perfect. We talked long into the night about the various ways we have both been damaged, and damaged others. You acknowledged that I am, perhaps just a little bit... fragile. You held me close in the darkness. You wrote me letters. Beautiful letters. (by the way, i didn't deign to set them on fire. when i moved leia and i just threw them in the trash. with the cat litter and rotten crap out of the fridge) You were deliberate. And even if you weren't quite scheming... well. It's enough.

I moved because of you. I was going to move, I was planning to move by September, and it happened to work out that I moved in September. But knowing you made me jump a little faster. It doesn't make me proud to think that I ran away. And in many ways I was running towards something different than where I was. My friends tell me that they admire my ability to have decided to move and just picked up and done it. Like that. Poof. What they don't understand is that I was running away. I was running away from the room where we lay until 2 in the afternoon. The floor where we read the Sunday New York Times. The diner where we had breakfast in the afternoon. I was running away from the Bluebird, the Gothic, the Tattered Cover, Coors Field, the lightrail, places that were mine long before I even knew you existed, and that by knowing you, by experiencing them with you, have been tainted. I was running away from Washington Park, and my favorite place in the entire world. A place I wanted to take you, I dreamed of walking there with you, explaining how I used to go there for comfort, and telling you a story I have never told anyone else. Ever. I was running away from that dream. Thinking back on the ways that knowing you has made me into a coward makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

I met with you about two months ago. I almost didn't tell my best friend about it because I didn't want to know what she would think of me when I did. The entire time I was with you I felt nauseated. I don't understand how I can still like someone, still care about someone, still be attracted to someone who has shown me the deep and disgusting nature of humanity. I'm not talking about you and what you did and did not do. Because that is the oldest story. The fact that it hurt me does not make it original (in fact I am quite certain that nothing I feel is unique, but since I have nothing to compare it to I have to own my pain in the only way I know how). I am talking about the ways that knowing you has changed me. I disgust myself, thinking about the glee I felt in hearing that you had been hurt. The smile that plays across my face when I think about the ways you are not who you want to be. The fact that I can remember being crumpled on the floor, the same place I fell when you told me the information I didn't want to know, sobbing uncontrollably and without the strength to move. The recollection of having to literally force myself out of bed every morning for a week, past the physical illness that accompanied waking up in the morning and any thought of you during the day. The fact that I would keep myself awake until I passed out from exhaustion every night because whenever I closed my eyes I remembered you, and imagined you in ways that made my want to removed my brain from my head and soak it in bleach. The fact that I can have all of these small loathings, and still have sat across from you and thought "I want this person to like me". That, more than anything, is what makes me wish I could go back to a year ago and erase you from my life. Completely.

This is just the latest in a long stream of unsent letters to you. Some of them have been written down, some of them stayed in my mind, some of them made their way out in conversation with people who were better able to guide me through my subconscious than I was able to stumble along on my own.

Please don't take any satisfaction in thinking that I feel this way any percentage of the time. That point has long passed. I may not be happy right now, but that has nothing to you (blasted winter and brain chemicals). No, this is really just my response to the fact that I hate Valentines Day, and this year I have just one more really good reason to want to throw snowballs at the disgusting couples I see on the street.

me

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Come here, pretty please, can you tell me where I am?


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Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.


I have learned an important thing about myself in the last year and a half. I am not *good* at people. I take a book to the bar. I wear headphones on the train. I scribble in my journal during the free moments of my life. These things are not conducive to meeting new people, and certainly not for my dating prospects.

My efforts to learn how to meet people have changed who I am. Who is this person, who goes up to a complete stranger and strikes up a random conversation? She is certainly not me, although she has a tendency to wear my body.

In college it was seamless, everyone was new, it was like you got points for getting to know new people. Of course sometimes it would backfire, but for the most part college was an awesome experience. Made all the better for the myriad opportunities to meet interesting people worth dating.

Out here, in the real world? We all say that we don't play games, but really we all do. I can't tell him how much I actually like him, we've only been out on one date. I can't tell him the truth about why I won't let him closer, because it might scare him off. I am in the outside world, where I am not going to see these people again in the course of my day... probably not anyway. So what do I do? I troll the Craigslist personals, I put up profiles on social networking sites, I get drunk enough to talk to someone in a bar, or trashed enough to give them my number. And they are never all that interesting. And I start to wonder how many people end up going to graduate school because they are concerned that they will end up old and alone. And I wonder how many of them then find themselves, old, alone and overeducated.

Such is life, I 'spose.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

I've got a bird that whistles, I've got a bird that sings


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Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.

Trust is an evolving beast in this world of internet and casual encounters. I am occasionally struck by the incredible urge to delete my internet presence (blogger, livejournal, flickr, last.fm, musicmobs, google, facebook, myspace, friendster, librarything) because it frightens me to see how comfortable I have become with the reality of inviting strangers into my world.


Who are the people that I have become friends with? They live all over the world, but most of them are people I know to some degree in the "real" world.


I often believe myself safe, because who would want to steal my identity? I wouldn't want to steal my identity, and I've created it. Perhaps that's why I so enjoy my internet presence, it allows me to control what other people see of me. I only share the words I like, I only upload the pictures that I think make me look good.


For a control freak with low self esteem, the internet allows me to control what my "friends" learn about me. Unlike my co-workers (the largest group of friends I have outside of the internet) they don't see me when my hair is uncooperative, when my skin is blotchy, when I am bloated and have bags under my eyes. Unlike my friends from college and high school they haven't seen me at my worst (though perhaps my longtime livejournal friends have come close), emotionally drained and ready to quit.


I wonder sometimes who the people I find online really are, the consummate peeping tom, I peer into the windows that they open to the internet. Much as I often wish I could step outside of myself and observe myself as others see me, I sometimes wonder what the internet collage that is Ariel looks like to someone who has never met me.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Absorbing, heartwarming drama

When I was young my parents would listen to John Dunning's "Old Time Radio". It was a show on KHOW, where my mother also had a Sunday evening show about finding deals in Denver. "Old Time Radio" was rebroadcasting of old radio shows, complete with Lucky Strike commercials. At the time I knew it was neat. To listen to these old shows, mysteries, westerns, I didn't always have the patience for them, but listening to them made me feel safe and warm.
I knew that WAMU had an old time radio show, because I had heard the host helping out with the fall fund drive. I just turned on "The Big Broadcast" because I screwed up my radio and I don't know if I'll manage to get it to play my ipod anymore. At the moment I don't mind, though I'm sure that particularly apathy may pass.

Some of these days


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Originally uploaded by Rachel Ariel.

Snowy Sundays are perfect for laundry and reading. Which is what I've been doing all day, though it didn't actually start snowing until about two hours ago. I haven't gotten dressed, I haven't showered, I've just been drinking tea and reading and listening to music that was old when my dad was born.

I've stopped waiting for the phone to ring, stopped hoping that the people who say they will call will call. It's a disappointing, but also liberating feeling.

The streets are pretty deserted, and I have a feeling it would be a good afternoon to go to the grocery store, which i need to do desperately, but I can't quite bring myself to get dressed and venture outside. And that is also part of the beauty of Sundays (that, and eating cookies for breakfast).